It Be The 19th O’ Septemb-ARR! So Here Be Five 3DS Games In Need O’ Pirates!
We celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day by looking at some much-beloved 3DS games rife with plunder, but with no pirates to claim it!
All hands, to yer stations! It once again be that time o’ year! September 19th be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, by th’ powers, and we’d be lubbers o’ the tallest order to not celebrate accordin’ to the rules o’ the occasion!
We all know the 3DS be a treasure trove o’ grand games aplenty, but did ye know the shockin’ truth, mateys? Despite everythin’, some o’ these games don’t gots no pirates in ‘em at all!
What manner o’ treachery be this? Spread that canvas, you dogs! We’ll not settle for such madness when there be such riches t’ lay claim to!
Dead Or Alive: Dimensions
Yarrr!!! Nothin’ be settin’ our rum-diluted blood t’boil quite like them smug sneaky ninjas. And ye know where ninjas hang out on 3DS, among many places? The port o’ Dead Or Alive: Dimensions, by thunder!
Well, nary another buxom bouncy martial-arts-totin’ wench or elegantly coiffed ninjitsu lad be permitted in our waters, matey. Set sail and let our sloop shore up on the verdant battlefields o’ this game’s mightiest! We be not afraid! We’ll show no quarter!
Them lads and lasses’ll nary know what hit ‘em when they taste the cold bite o’ our cutlasses and splutter on th’ acrid smoke of our flintlocks! It be time these ninjas be put in their place! E’er notice how Dead Or Alive games doesn’t has no pirates? Z’actly. They be scared, mateys!
Know where pirates be hidin’ when they not be ransackin’, pillaging, plunderin’ and generally takin’ what they can an’ givin’ nothin’ back? Tropical islands, matey.
Know what game’s got a tropical island in? PilotWings Resort. An’ ye know what game us gentlemen o’ fortune weren’t invited to?
Essac’ly, mate! ‘Tis enough to ruffle the feathers in our tricorns, so it be! So we propose a full scale raid o’ Wuhu Island. What’re them Miis gonna do about it? Eh? We’ll take o’er the island and use it as our new base o’ operations, raiding anywhere we please!
Also, we be thinkin’ long-term. Them Miis got jetpacks, mates. We take o’er Wuhu for our own, and what does we become, lads?
Pirates… with jetpacks. If thar be anythin’ more awesome ‘pon the seven seas, we’ve yet t’hear it!
The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time 3D
As a world o’ adventure goes, Hyrule is up thar with the best of ‘em. Verdant fields, dang’rous beasties, desert outposts pop’lated by saucy wenches an’ hidden tombs full o’ treasure chests. It be a pirate’s dream, so why don’t this game have no pirates in it?
We spy a gap in the market, mates! Hard to starboard and make haste for Hyrule! The Master Sword be a prize worthy of any old salt’s arsenal, an’ a Hookshot be a far more versatile way to board an enemy vessel than our tired ol’ grapplin’ irons. An’ them bombs! Oh, them bombs!
Whassat, swab? Ye tells us Hyrule be a landlocked nation with no sea access? Yar! Ye’ll never make captain with such consctricted thinkin’, me hearties! Who said we needed sea access just ‘cos we be pirates?
Weren’t ye payin’ attention mates? That’s what the jetpacks be for.
Harvest Moon: The Tale Of Two Towns
Lessee ‘ere… we taught them ninjas a thing or two, established our base on Wuhu (with jetpacks, o’ course), stocked up on weaponry in Hyrule… but now the crew be rowdy for plunder and pillagin’! We be needin’ an idyllic community t’raid!
An’ they don’t come much more idyllic than in them ‘arvest Moon games, lad. Why, brings a salty tear to this ol’ dog’s one good eye t’think how peaceful an’ twee the whole place be.
Well we can’t stand f’r that! Hoist that topsail and make way for the Two Towns, ye cantankerous bilge-rats! What d’we need for a long voyage? Provisions. And where does ye get provisions? Farms, mate. We’ll stuff the hold so full o’ turnips we’ll be a vegetable soup just waitin’ t’happen!
Not only that, but them thar Harvest Moon games be always packed with comely wenches. But stay yer licentious ways, mates! Focus on the big haul!
Oh yes, me hearties. We be after a stash o’ lucre so big it’d take a fleet o’ Spanish treasure ships t’carry it home. Bigger’n the Triforce. Bigger’n the Black Pearl. E’en bigger than Big Whoop.
There’s a place, mates, whispered of only in legend, where gold flows like rum fr’m a particularly leaky bar keg. It’s a place, me hearties, known only as…
New Super Mario Bros. 2
This be it, lads. This be the loot to end all loot, the booty e’en a dozen Beyonces couldn’t e’er hope to match. In this land, shipmates, the gold be flowin’ with such abundance it be literally sprinklin’ like rainfall!
An’ there be only so many coins them two chubby wee grubbers can stuff down their dungarees. An’ this game has no pirates in spite o’ the copious amounts o’ treasure!
What madness be this? Truly a gap in th’ market f’r enterpisin’ souls such as we-selves. So hoist that black flag high ov’r every end o’ level castle, mates! The time ‘as come to make the riches f’r ourselves we promised when first we set out on th’ account! A man can only hold so much gold, mates, but we got a whole ship at our disposal, an’…
…Wait. We already loaded up on Harvest Moon turnips, didn’t we?
Alright mateys, change o’ plan. Fling them turnips overboard! Thassright, ev’ry last one o’ th—who be ye to question yer captain’s orders, lad? Ye fancy keepin’ yer tongue in yer ‘ead, ye’ll do as yer bid, ye mangy barnacle-sniffer! I don’t care if we ‘ave to fire ‘em out the cannons, get them turnips off the ship!
Thassight, an’ now bring that gold aboard… look at it, shiny an’ succulent, we be set f’life mateys! Didn’t yer cap’n promise he’d makes ye rich? An’ now look at us!
…Wait. Gold be heavy, don’t it? Anyone else ‘ere got a weird… sinkin’ feelin’? Ye didn’t drag too much o’ the treasure onboard an’ over-fill the ship now, did ye? Only me boots be wet with the briny blue, lad, an’ I can’t help but think that the horizon seems t’be gettin’ higher around me ears…
Yarrr! What madness be this?
We be only beginnin’ to explore what games don’t have pirates, me hearties! T’be sure, enterprisin’ minds such as yer own have many more an example ye can contribute. Who wouldn’t wanna storm the Great Fox, cutlasses waving in the air, and live a life o’ adventure in the Lylat System’s interplanetary trade-lanes? Who’d think twice about gettin’ them Style Savvy mavens to put us together a fine jacket befittin’ o’ gentlemen o’ fortune such as we? Who could say no to th’ thrill of firin’ Pokéballs at critters from a cannon?
Let us know what 3DS games need more piracy, by gum, or failin’ that share yer own favourite piratey moments! It be a day o’ celebration o’ all such nautical good cheer, after all! Yo ho ho an’ a bottle o’ Lon Lon Milk!